Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
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