my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
