Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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