I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
