Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
