my phone needs a breathalizer
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
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