no, he came in my armpit
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
