I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
