I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
