Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
