I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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