No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
