Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
