Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
