Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
