so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
