so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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