If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Randomize
