what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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