i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
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