So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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