I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
