Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
