Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
