i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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