We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
