I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I have aggressive nipples.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
