I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
