I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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