I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
There are leaves in my underwear?
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