ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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