im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
