I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
