just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
