so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
