So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
