Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Randomize
