Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
