I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
