I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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