i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
