Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
