Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
