I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Boobs speak an international language.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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