Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
