I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
