your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
