Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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