totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
