if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
