theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
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