I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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